Those Guaranteed Pills

While checking on some historical items that occurred seventy to eighty years ago, we were amused at the advertisements that appeared in the local newspapers. Some were placed there by the local druggist and patent medicine companies to call attention to the readers of their wonderful products. These ads naturally drew my attention.

Now, how many of these patent medicines do you remember?

"Foley's Kidney Cure will cure any case of kidney or bladder that is not beyond the reach of medicine. No medicine can do more."

"Healthy kidneys filter the impurities from the blood and unless they do this a good health is impossible. Foleys Kidney Cure makes sound kidneys and will positively cure all forms of kidney and bladder disease. It strengthens the whole system. "

A third ad of "Foleys Kidney Cure" told the reader that one of the worst features of kidney trouble is that it is an insidious disease and before the reader realizes the danger he may have a fatal malady. All this can be prevented by using "Foley's Cure!"

There was "Dr. Greene's Nervura" which nourished the body while the liver, bowels and kidneys carried off the worn out impure matter.

An attractive ad called attention to cleanliness. "A bath cleanses the skin and rids the pores of refuse. A bath makes for better fellowship and citizenship. Not only should the outside of the body be cleansed, but occasional use of a laxative or cathartic opens the bowels and clears the system of effete matter. Best for this are DeWitt's Little Risers. Pleasant Little Pills that do not gripe or sicken. "

A reader could go to the drug store and obtain two days treatment free of "Rings Dyspepsia Tablets." These tablets cured a sour stomach, bad breath, a pasty complexion and all other consequences of disordered digestion quickly.

The use of "kodol" for dyspepsia helped you digest everything you ate.

You were urged to use "Haentze's Neraline"—a purely vegetable medicine for nerves and effective cure for inflammation and irritation of the bladder, kidneys, liver, and stone in the bladder. As a restorative tonic and blood purifier it had no equal. If it did not work, you could send five dollars for six bottles of "Hoofland's German Bitter." It was certain to purify the blood and cure dyspepsia, liver and kidney troubles.

When mother did not have her remedies or teas available, you were certain to be doused with a spoonful of "Dr. Gunn's Onion Syrup." If the chills and fever continued, a dose of "Dr. West's Cough Syrup" was forced down your throat. It seemed that those tonics tasted like dried snails.

"Castoria" had a large space devoted to tell the reader it was for infants and children. It "cured colic constipation, sour stomach, killed worms and gave comfort to their complaints. "

If you thought you were subject to appendicitis attacks, the 'ad' stated that most victims of this ailment are those who are habitually constipated. Orino Laxative Fruit Syrup cures chronic constipation by stimulating the liver and bowels and restores the natural action of the bowels. It does not gripe and is mild and pleasant to take." The reader was asked to refuse substitutes.

Liver complaints were cured by "Luffer's Little Pills."

"Any one having backache or kidney pains or bladder trouble who will take two or three Pineules upon retiring at night shall be relieved before morning. "

Another old standby was "Raymond's Liver Pills." The little doctor's display guaranteed cures for liver complaints. It stated your liver is the biggest trouble maker.

If one had sore muscles or backache, "Buckler's Arnica and Mustard Plasters" were available.

The old family medicine cabinet with its assorted bottles might include "Dr. Clark's Syrup", or "Shiffman's Asthma Salve." If you were in a run-down condition there was a bottle of "Bosdick's Body Builder" that would put you back in good health. If this did not work then "Electric Bitters" were tried next, maybe "Liverwood’s Oil and Root-Juice," that tasted like burned mackerel would be tried. Oh, yes, there was "Dr. Welliver's Iron and Tar" bottle near-by.

The woman in the house would have her "Sister's Stay Thin" bottle back of several other bottles as was her tonic "Lydia Pinkham's Compound" hidden from public view.

Indigestion and dyspepsia could be cured by "Pepsi-Kola" tablets or Ring's dyspepsia tablets. A ten or twenty five cent box of tablets might be found in the dresser drawer.

There were many patent cough remedies on the market. The newspapers between 1889 and 1900 had such 'ads' as "A neglected cough or cold may lead to serious bronchial or lung troubles. Don't take chances when Foley's Honey and Tar affords perfect security from serious effects of a cold."

"Jayne's Expectorant" was a sure cure for coughs and colds. Another preparation was "Bee's Laxative Honey and Tar, the Original Laxative Cough Syrup acts like a cathartic on the bowels." "It is made from the tar gathered from the pine trees of our own country, therefore it is the best for children. It is good for coughs, colds, croup and whooping cough." A free offer was available.

Another remedy good for the cough and cause of the cough. "That's the work of Kennedy's Laxative Cough Syrup." "It contains No opiates."

For wounds, "Pine salve cleansed the wounds and is highly antiseptic, unequaled for cracked hands." If anyone was troubled with piles, one 'ad' promised a one application of "Manzon" would give immediate relief.

A hair preparation 'ad' appealed to the readers in this fashion—"Don't have a falling out with your hair. It might leave you. What then? That would mean thin scraggly, uneven rough hair. Keep your hair at home. Fasten it tightly to your scalp. You can easily do it with Ayers Hair Vigor."

Who can forget the 'ads' for "Cuticura Ointment" for burns and sores, or the one which gave prizes to boys and girls who sold "Cloverine Salve"? Many a country boy won his first .22 rifle by selling this salve to his neighbors.

For your table needs, "Golden Grain Karo Corn Syrup" was an attractive 'ad'.

To remove pimples, moth spots, and sallowness, blotches, clear up the complexion and put the bloom of youth in the cheeks, use "Laxakola Tablets", a positive cure for constipation. A trial size was available for five cents.

I believe the most interesting advertisement was one put out by one "Dr. Theel" of Philadelphia. He guaranteed to cure you more quickly and safely and permanently than any advertising physician of all diseases, blood poison, nervous debility, early decay, pimples, ulcers, melancholy, loss of memory. Acute cases four to ten days.

The amusing point of his claims was on the bottom of his 'ad'. He issued a WARNING to all "suffers"—before placing yourself under the care of one's treatment, write to me for the exposure of quacks, unscrupulous physicians and those pretending to be specialists; it will be more than wealth to you." (We wonder who checked on him?)

If all of these cough and cold syrups or tablets did not do the job of curing, then the victim was usually put to bed with a plaster of goose grease, turpentine or camphorated oil on the chest.

Whether the above patent medicines were good or bad; whether they cured the victims who fell for this line of appeal, we can be certain that since they appeared seventy to eighty years ago, not too many are around to testify for or against the product. Those who are still with us might claim their longevity to them.

As a side line to the patent medicines, there were advertisements of the various stores listing special sales for the family needs. A woman could buy a pair of patent leather tip button shoes for $1.15; men's heavy boots were $1.50 to $2.25 and a stiff hat was $1.90 to $2.80.

You could go by Pennsylvania Rail Road on a personally conducted tour or excursion to Niagara Falls from Bedford for full fare of $10.00 round trip. Or if you desired to go to Cumberland shopping in 1906, your train left Bedford at 8:40 A.M. and returned at 4:45.

We were further amused at all the advertisements of hats, shoes, men's work clothes, dress suits, etc., but not one single reference was made on men's or women's under garments. In contrast with today's 'ads' on men's and women's briefs as well as spacious pictures of panty hose and bras, we can imagine what the public's sentiments would have been if todays ads could have appeared at that time. Comparing the two extremes, we wonder what the 'ads' will be like in the year 2000?